Eight Months?

Hey Guys,

Remember that time I'd blog.... and keep you all updated on the little activities of our family. Its been EIGHT months since I did that... What??? Alot has happened since the last time we talked. Ok, maybe nothing earth shattering, but still kinda big in my world.

Work is good. I wish I could talk about it more. But seriously, I have found my dream job. I'm so so SO lucky to be caring for moms and babies! No one has tried to bite me or claw me or poop on me in months!

The kid's are great. Both growing like little weeds. Rosie is starting pre-k this week. What??? How is that possible?? And E is two. And crazy. And so much fun.

We just got back from the beach. Someone please take me back. It was the fastest week of my life. And we didn't do much. How is that possible?? We went to the beach. Took naps. Ate. Went back to the beach. It was a little bit of perfection.

Ok, so work is good. Kids are good. Life is good. But why don't I feel that way? Hello - honesty alert - I'm a mess. My anxiety is seriously through the roof. I'm seeing the psych dr. weekly now (starting today, for real) and perhaps he'll help. I don't know. I can NOT stop worrying about every little thing. But thank God for real friends because I know I am not alone. I know that this too shall pass. But some days it just doesn't feel that way...


Anyways. This is short and sweet. But perhaps it will be the start of a regular thing? Who knows.

Love you all,
Amanda

best birthday ever???

Today I turned 33. Thirty-Three. Please forgive me, but that's sort of depressing. I'm officially a 30-something. 30 was kind of fun, kind of novel. 33 - ehhh, I sort of feel like I should have accomplished more by now. It's all stuff related - clearly not all that important in the grand scheme of things - but still things you think about when one enters her mid-30's.

Anyhow, let me continue the ride on the pity-train. We woke up this morning to discover that we had no water. And did this little lady stash away even one gallon of water? Uh, negative. If my father was still around he'd say - did I teach you nothing??? Thankfully we soon realized that the water outage was not just our house but all of south Nashville... So at least it wasn't an issue with our pipes or something. Whew - first crisis averted. Next, the kids get up. Eli and I are standing in the kitchen getting a bowl of cereal and oops - he vomits all over me. Yeah - the birthday girl is covered in puke - and I hadn't even had a drink yet... Thank goodness the water decided to kick back on at that exact moment.

The rest of my day consisted of a TB skin test for work and a spilled very expensive and very sweetly gifted cup of coffee. Eli decided to take a shower in my Barista Parlor latte birthday coffee - don't worry, it was cold, b/c I hadn't had a second to sit down and enjoy the lovely cup of goodness - but he did pull it off the counter on to his head. It then showered my kitchen in a sticky, expensive mess. Finally, the cherry on the top of a wonderful day - Rosie and Eli got into a lovely sibling tussle that ended with E smacking his little head on the corner of the tv stand that resulted in a good sized gash on his head. This added to the other three goose eggs he's already sporting and I'm pretty sure a call to DCS is somewhere in our future... he looks like a little bruiser.

Brutal Honesty Alert - Sometimes I wonder why we had kids. I feel like the most under prepared, good for nothing mother ever. I reached out to a dear friend today in a sort of SOS moment... Quick - mommy is sinking. I'm not one of those women who can go with the flow. I never have and I guess I never will. A puking child doesn't just bum me out, it quite literally ruins my day. And it has nothing to do with poor sweet Eli. I know the little guy is ill and feels yucky. My brain just starts racing... He's going to puke all day and won't get to go to daycare and I'll have to call in sick and then I'll get fired b/c I've only been at my job two months and who keeps on someone who's already had to call out once b/c of this exact same illness in November?!? And oh yea, we visited friends yesterday and was he contagious then? Are they sick now too? Great, we're that family with the germ monkey children that infect the world... And on, and on, and on. I literally can't shut off my brain. I'm the worst. The worst mom ever. Ok, maybe not the worst. My children are warm, clean, fed and cared for. But am I passing on my anxiety to them? Can they read my expression when inside all I'm doing is screaming - GET ME OUT OF HERE?!? Because they didn't ask to be born. They didn't ask to come into this world to a mom who's such a basket case. They're gentle, innocent darlings.

What a day. What a birthday... I'm going to go drown myself in my cheap white sheet cake that Bub brought home for me... Don't worry - it's exactly what I asked for. I'm a sucker for a grocery store birthday cake.

to blog or not to blog?

As per usual I have gone many months since my last entry... I don't know, I LOVE to write, like really, really. On the other hand, why write something no one reads???

Guess I'll give my usual update :-)

The kids are doing wonderfully. We all survived the great Stomach Flu of '14 a few weeks ago. Rosalie was always the one to bring home an upper respiratory bug - colds, sore throats, croup - she was the queen of those ailments. E on the other hand really loves his GI bugs. Diarrhea, vomiting? That's his MO. Thanks buddy - the ENTIRE clan had the joy of sharing the germies over the week of Thanksgiving, even poor Gramps who came to visit was stricken. We all made it through though and hopefully we'll not catch it again for a while.

Work is going well. I started an amazing new job last month. It's just about perfection. I'm working maternal/newborn at a large hospital here in town. The only thing that would be make it even more perfect was if I was on an L&D floor... but I'll get there. In the meantime I'm adoring each shift more and more - what a blessing to be caring for sweet new babies and their lovely mommas. Such a change of pace from my last workplace. No one is sexually harrasing me, or swinging IV poles at me head. I haven't had to clean up CDIFF or break my back to roll a 300 pound pt over in the bed. I want to remind myself every day where I came from and what a blessing it is to be doing what I love finally.

Books! I've started reading again. I recently read Gone Girl (LOVED it!) and just last night finished up The Leftovers (which was really good, but the HBO series is SOOOOO much better). Any good recommendations? I'm for sure a fiction lover - what are you guys reading??

Ok - Rosie is fussing at me... Ahh, motherhood. I'll really, really try to write again soon.

xoxo

day 3

yo - i made energy balls tonight. balls.of.energy. maybe they'll really supply with actual energy and i can rocket through my day getting all the things done? eh, or maybe they'll just be super yummy??

the balls of energy are in fact yummy. thank you pinterest.

i made it to the gym today - win.

i also made it to my endocrinologist today and she informed me i've gained 3 pounds since my last check up - lose.

bub and i had an impromptu lunchy date. that was a win. life has been so rough on us lately. it is so easy to lose touch with someone even when you live under the same roof. when money is tight and stress is high even little things suddenly become very big. it felt like a little breath of fresh air to get out just bub and i, even for just an hour on a busy wednesday afternoon. i'm thankful for the these little things.

tomorrow is thursday. i don't know if that means anything to you.  but happy sept 4th dears!

Day One

What the what... It's September 1st. And I'm up. And everyone else is asleep. And I've got to admit it's pretty damn nice. I'm serious (or at least I think I am) about really, REALLY trying to start some new good, healthy habits this month and trying to ditch some of those old, bad ones. So I set my alarm for a stupid early hour this morning so I could get up and exercise before everyone was clinging to my legs and begging for attention.

We've been out of town for a few days and returned late last night. My sweet Grandma passed away. I'm so thankful we were able to join the family and all be together, well most of us. Two beautiful women in our family are/were VERY pregnant and couldn't travel. One sweet angel baby was actually born while we were up there this weekend! One is still warm and cozy in his momma's tummy, but I know that little guy will arrive soon :-)

Anyways, all this to say, we had a late night, a long weekend and the last thing I wanted to do was get up in the dark and exercise. But I did it. It's only day one, I won't go getting too cocky. But I did do it. Exercise is something I've long loved to do. Before the kiddos it was part of my daily routine to get into the Y every night after work for at least an hour or two. That's not my reality anymore and that's ok, but it isn't unreasonable to find a little time for myself to get some cardio or yoga in a few times a week. We have On Demand, it is FULL of workouts you can watch for free and so I did two of them this morning. No more excuses.

Now I'm sitting here have a healthy breakfast and a cup of coffee in a a quiet kitchen. This is great. A little time to prepare for another busy day :-)

30 Days...

Thirty days... They say you can break a bad habit (or add a great new one) in that time. I need some new ones people and I need to ditch a few (or fifty) bad ones. So in 21 minutes we'll welcome a new month - September 1 - a month exactly 30 days long. I'm going to TRY to blog every day. Thirty days of the good, bad and ugly.

Life is a messy whirlwind these days. A hurricane of dirty diapers, overstretched schedules, exhausted frustrations. I'm not one to shy away from honesty - to lay it all out there - because that's how we grow. Being transparent allows others to learn from what we're going through and it's how I ask for help. How I let others know, hey, I need advice, help, love.

Can an exhausted mommy, frazzled wife and anxious woman - all rolled in to one - find peace? Find God's path? Find a calm heart?

Eh.... I don't know. I'm skeptical. BUT I'm putting a new foundation into place. I want to chronicle it - mostly b/c I'm hoping it will help to keep me accountable, but maybe a little too that it will speak to another frazzled mommy, another wounded heart.

Happy September first my dears. Here's to a new month, a fresh start and lots of grace ahead!

xoxo

screamy meltdown on aisle 4

i've been a momma now for nearly 4 years. certainly i'm no expert, but i feel like i'm beginning to wrack up a little experience... but i'm stumped. so if you have any helpful advice, please share.

how do some of you moms make it look so easy? i swear, still getting out the door in the morning takes the amount of effort reserved for things like passing a national law or getting the hubby to agree to a let me watch lifetime at night. i felt so great. we made it to the gym TWICE this week. this is huge. and today, i paid for it. i got the kiddos up and ready, only took about an hour (ugh), got rosie to preschool aaaannnndd realized i forgot her lunch. yep. mom of the year. left her little lunch bag in the fridge. ok - no biggie her teacher says - they have extra lunchy stuff for just such occasions. awesome. i feel like a loser mom, but at least she won't starve. on to the grocery store we go. i get the diaper bag. my purse. my pile of cloth grocery bags - you know trying to save planet earth for the kiddos. my list and coupons - you know trying to save a little cash so they kids can go to college someday. and we get in and E starts losing it. like screaming and throwing stuff and is shivering. he's burning up. and he had a weird rash this morning too. mommy is starting to put two and two together - my main man is sick :-( i start freaking out. who cares if i'm a nurse, your baby is sick and it's game over. he's got a rash people. a rash. a weird one. so i call bub, duh - he'll know what to do. call the dr. he says. great - i do - they can see him this afternoon... ok, but i've got to finish the shopping, so i carry him. all 20 pounds of him. in one arm and shop with the other. trying to go as fast i possibly can without running everyone else over. he's screaming. doesn't want anything but to be held. i'm sure i looked awesome man handling a watermelon into the cart single handed with a screamy boy in the other...

i could go on... but this is my day. my routine. what the what? what am i doing wrong? i try to do good - get back to the gym and the kiddo picks up a nasty little bug. i try to plan ahead and STILL my day falls apart. my house is a wreck. we're eating ham sandwiches for dinner. i haven't showered. what the frap am i missing?!? help a momma out!

alright - let's finish on a positive note. i did make it to the gym twice - better than none times. i did make several super healthy meals this week - black bean/spinach enchiladas one night and baked salmon another - woot. i only splurged one day this week so far and haven't had any candy/cookies/sugary junk otherwise. i'm determined to get healthy again. just wish the kiddos were on board with my plan too.

ok - it's about time to take tiny boy to the doctor.

living intentionally.

so i used to be the queen of new year's resolutions. every year i would make a list of very detailed goals for the year ahead and most of the time i'd stick to them. then kids came. and nursing school. and life just got hectic. life these days is SLOWLY inching back towards a little "normal" - well, a new normal - you know having brief moments in your day where you can maybe, oh, i don't know - pee alone? or eat a meal without standing up? though, i'll admit, i still very rarely get the chance to use the bathroom alone. what is with kids needing to be in there when you've got business to do?!?

anyways, i made a list of new year's resolutions this past january. thinking, foolishly, i might have time to check a few of them off. well, here we are, june 1 and the list is toast. as in, i haven't been able to check off a single one of them. read a book a month i so grandly jotted down... yea, i just finished my SECOND book last night. as in all i've read is two book so far this year. but hey, that's two more books than i read last year, but still, TWO?

ok, moving along, the book i just finished last night was a little encourager titled Unglued. bub got it for me i think last christmas? if you know me at all you know i don't have to explain that i do in fact tend to come unglued from time to time. i'm stressed. i'm anxious. i'm freaking out all the time. it's who i am - a little high strung. i like to think it's what got me through nursing school. never, ever stop. never ever settle down. just keep going, going, going. BUT what if i don't need to continue to live my life this way? what if there could be a little peace and quiet out there for me?

the author shared a little about creating an intentional sabbath each week. doesn't have to be sunday necessarily, but it does need to be a day to disconnect from work, busyness, stress, chores - all the to-do's - and reconnect to your family, your faith, a little inner silence. this is such a hard one for us these days. i work most weekends. and so we are rarely all together and i think it's so important to rest together... i was off this weekend. and we thankfully took advantage of it. but it's hard. not running around getting stuff "done" feels lazy to me. it's sadly really hard to put the cell phone down. to not zone out with the tv on. but we did it today. we did church this morning. took the kiddos to the pool. left the tv off. had a family meal together. it's been wonderful. and restful and relaxing. i wish we could do this every week.

i encourage everyone to intentionally rest each week. to disconnect from all our busyness. to put the cell phone down. to turn the tv off. to stop trying to keep the house perfectly clean. look, i wasn't a loaf today - but i cooked dinner WITH rosie and she loved it :-) eli "helped" me sort the laundry - AKA wallowed all over the mountain of clothes, giggling the whole time. we spent the afternoon at the pool and ate popsicles and worshiped at church this morning. i hope we can keep it up.

Happy 1st Birthday E!

My little puddin' pie is ONE today!! how can this be?? where did this year go?

Elijah - my tiny main squeeze - has totally stolen my heart. I'm only beginning to understand what it means to be a "boy mom"  - to know the certain special connection a mommy and her son have.

E, Eli, Eli-Pie, Bubba - you have completed our little family boo boo!

Eli is 100% boy - rough and tumble through and through. He's already walking, probably b/c he wants to chase after sissy and pull her hair. He's already climbing - up onto anything he can get his tiny hands on. We've already had our fair share of bumps and bruises and most of the time it leaves me baffled. Sissy could be set on the couch and would chill and watch and take things in... Not you sir, you want to be in the middle of things, be on top of things, literally :-) You don't give hugs, you give a head-butt to show you love someone. You are such a happy baby boy. You love riding in the car, watching cars, and playing with cars - basically anything with wheels makes you happy. You're not an awesome eater - you try to choke on most things - but you do love cheerios and shredded cheese :-) You LOVE bathtime and splashing and making messes. You love to dance and wiggle your tiny booty. 

This time last year we were worried to death about our little bruiser, who was born quite literally covered in bruises :-( He had a tough beginning, stuck in the NICU for a short time, looking like he'd already gone several rounds in a fight... But soon enough he was in our arms, safe and sound and totally perfect. He was a little late and I was supposed to be induced, but wouldn't you know that morning I went into the hospital he decided on his own that that would be his birthday... Just like him already - deciding exactly what he wanted.

Eli is a blessing, a wonder, a handsome little fellow with a personality that bubbles over with giggles and grins. I can't wait to see it unfold over the years. It is a joy and a privilege to be a momma to this sweet baby man.

tell me about the houses

my sweet rosalie insists on being tucked in every night when i'm not working and we have the most precious script that has to be followed each time...

"mommy, let's talk about the houses"
    - i have no idea what on earth she means by this or where it started, but every night it's the same

"who's house should we talk about?"
   - at this point she almost nearly always asks to talk about the neighbor's house.

"ok, let's talk about i & a's house"
    - and we talk about the chickens who live there. because she loves critters. i can't wait till we have chickens of our own for her to care for and look after :-)

"ok, rosie, time for night night kisses."

"mommy, wait, we have to talk about one more thing... mommy, what present do you want?"

"flowers, mommy always wants flowers."

"pink or red?" "mommy, what box do you want them in?"


and this is where it ends. usually... occasionally she wants to talk about the other neighbors house - he has a blue truck - she's obsessed with it.

does anyone else out there find these silly little quarks with their kiddos?? i love that she always wants to talk about "what present do you want" b/c this is rosalie to a T. always giving, always wanting to know what she can do to make someone else happy. she is precious. tender hearted. my sweetest baby girl :-)

remember that time...

hey guys, remember that time i had a blog? and while i didn't update ALL the time, i did try to post at least once a month or something... and then we had another baby and i started a new job? well, i'm back. i guess? i'll try.

the kiddos are amazing. e's gonna be a year old next week. seriously. how did that happen? nugget is smack in the middle of 3, rounding the corner to 4 and is sassy, and opinionated and totally wonderful. i adore these two wonderful wonders.

work is - ugh - tough, amazing, rough, exhausting and the best thing i've ever done. can't talk about it much - HIPPA and blah, blah, blah. wish i could share the stories. being a nurse allows you to see all sorts of gnarly things.

that's all i got now. hang on to your biscuits friends. things will hopefully be a little more exciting around here.

nighty night

hey guys! i'm tired. how are you?

so i'm a nurse now. seriously. a nurse. how did this happen?? and i love it. LOVE it! and night shift... it isn't that bad. well, except for the lack of sleep. boo lack of sleep.

a few things that have happened since i started working through the nights... i'm disoriented alot. so i sleep like 9am to 2pm between shifts. my alarm went off on sunday afternoon and i couldn't for the life of me (for about half a minute) understand how it was light out in the middle of the night?? another shift i was walking in to the hospital, CONVINCED that it was 6:30 AM rather than PM. it's bizarre to work through the night while the rest of the world is asleep. it's weird to eat lunch when i should be curled up in bed. it's just odd. but it works. we've found an amazing sitter who helps us and bub's dad comes to stay with the kids so i can sleep between shifts too. and i work sat/sun/mon and then i'm off the rest of the week. bub and i never have a whole day together. ever. so that kinda stinks. but it's best for the kids right now.

and guys... being a nurse kinda rocks. i LOVE it. it's hard. it kicks my ass. i'm still a baby, BABY nurse and have only learned to juggle three patients at a time so far (thank goodness for a LONG preceptorship). i still hardly know anything at all. but to be able to help people. to be there when they're feeling awful and scared and sad... to maybe make all that a little easier. to calm their fears a little. to provide simple comforts that many take for granted. i love it. all of it. well, maybe not the CDIFF poo :-) but other than that, it's pretty amazing.

guess that's it for now. we're all slowly adjusting to this new, crazy life. bub loves his new job too. exhausted, a little stressed, but blessed. that's our life right now.

the kids are amazing. nugget LOVED halloween this year. she was such a big, brave girl and went up to all sorts of houses saying her, "trick or treats". doodle is such a happy, sweet boy. i love my precious babies :-)

hopefully it won't take me another month to update... but we'll see!

xoxo

what does the fox say?

guys, we've been living on limited social interactions these last few months. two unemployed, bummy new parents doesn't exactly equal lots of pop culture knowledge flying around our house. SO when i saw the, "what does the fox say?" guys on ellen a couple weeks ago it was new.to.me. however, the rest of you all seemed to know about this already. um, do an exhausted, sheltered mama a favor and post this crap on facebook my friends. it's the only way i hear about this stuff. if you're even more tired and sheltered than i am do yourself a favor, go to youtube and watch, "what does the fox say?" do it. now. i'll wait....


ok, now that your mind has been blown. on to other fun tidbits.


we're "working" on getting doodle into a better sleep routine. guess what??? it's not working. at all. the little stinker now takes what are so warmly referred to as, "cat naps".  sounds nice enough, right? our cats sleep all day. i'd love to sleep like that. you know what they really are though? 20-30 minute teases. he'll doze off happily and sweetly and i sneak off to do important things like watch "let's make a deal" or eat giant bowls of cinnomin toast crunch and before i can even watch wayne brady give a lady dressed up like the queen of hearts $150, the little peanut-man is awake in his bassinet and ready to par-tay. ugh. at least we're getting him out of the swing, right? all you mom's out there that LOVE to share that your 4 week old is sleeping 22 hours a night, just don't. we're lucky to get 4 hours of sleep in a row. and i want to take my 18 white noise machines and smack you in the head with them. i'm just sayin'.

i looked in the mirror today and ugh, not liking what i'm seeing guys. how the hell am i supposed to work out though? i want to lose 30 pounds. but i like donuts. and bacon. and cheese. i'm guessing that's a problem? i also like sleeping, taking a shower at least every other day and being the kind of mom that does good stuff like changing diapers and feeding the kiddos every now and again. when in the world do i have time to hit the gym or steam quinoa? the last 4 years of my life i've either been pregnant or in school full-time... i've let my smokin' hot bod (ha.ha.) turn in to more of a jello-mold sort of motif. are you good at working out? good at creating healthy super meals you can prepare in 20 seconds or less? contact me. help a chubby mom out please. ok, ok, in all seriousness. i do plan to get back into the swing of things. i'm hoping once november rolls around and our new schedules have sort of settled i'll be able to carve out at least a couple days a week for some gym time and i've been trying to eat healther. excpet for right now. right now i've got a king sized bag of m&m's next to me. look, doodle just had an epic meltdown. the m&m's get it. they understand. they just want to help :-)

ok. everyone is asleep. i best get my booty to bed. after i'm done tucking the m&m's in first of course.

nighty-night.

life with a mini-dictator

hey guess what - bub and i are both employed now! as in working for a paycheck and we ain't gonna starve employed! God has blessed us beyond belief and we both will be working at jobs that we are BOTH super excited about. my excitement is tempered with a huge dose of fear though. i'm gonna be a nurse guys. a real, in the hospital, gonna give you this IV now and not screw up kinda nurse. uh, hello panic attack. i'm so so excited, but so so scared. thank goodness there's a nice long orientation period, i'm going to soak up every second with my preceptor.

funny enough, bub and i both start work the very same day. cue the second panic attack. what on earth will we do with the babes? i won't bore you all with another of my classic freak-out rants. i know we've made it this far and everything has fallen perfectly into place, this too will. i think my biggest concern is that i've been so lucky to basically be home full time with nugg and doodle up to this point. i don't want to be away from them so much :-( october is going to be a little nutty while i'm starting my training. i'll be on days for a few weeks. but once we hit november i should be transitioning to nights and then at least they'll be home with daddy and just with a sitter a couple of days a week so i can sleep between shifts.

ok, enough of that... so nugget. oh sweet, darling, wonderful nugget. she's almost three. just a few more weeks and we'll have a full on preschooler running around the house. to hear her though you'd think a tiny little dictator had moved in. i thought we'd survived the terrible two's fairly well. i'm wagering to say the three's are going to be a doozy. she freaks out about e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. does anyone else have experience with this? she cries if i put her milk into the wrong color sippy cup. she told me yesterday that apple juice was "dirty juice" and she wouldn't drink it. she flipped out b/c bub threw away a diaper box this morning. she's been using it to practice opening "presents" for her upcoming birthday. oh, the humanity. daddy threw away her box! she had her first real puke a couple weeks back and now anytime she decides she doesn't want to eat something she tells me that, "it's not good, it make me sick. it makes me throw up". what?!?

despite all her sassiness, you kind of have to giggle at it. she's so determined about things. she knows her own mind :-)

speaking of which, she's informed me she will have a "dinorawr" birthday party. so i'm busy planning all sorts of dino themed shenanigans. and she's also told me she's going to be superman for halloween. i love my little lady!

doodle is doing wonderfully. the little lovebug is now 18 weeks old. he's still a little hobo, with no place to call his own, camping out in the kitchen. but we'll work through that. he's my tiny little chunk of love. oh i want to snuggle him forever! after we get nugg down at night, doodle and i have our own little routine. he gets his bath about 8pm, which is LOVES. he kicks and stretches and splashes :-) then he gets his jams on and we snuggle up on the sofa with a bottle and hang out. we talk about important things and he tells me about how he loves bouncing on everything. it's pretty awesome :-p he falls asleep and i always hold him way too long. i know i need to let him fall asleep on his own, but at the end of a hectic day when he's all clean and warm and smelling like that sweet angel baby smell, how can you just put him down?!? his favorite things right now are his bouncer saucer thingy and laying on the floor and putting his feet in his mouth :-)

ok and real quick... it's fall tv time! what are you watching?? anything new? we're kind stuck on our old favs - new girl, modern family, HIMYM. so excited for modern family tonight!

xoxo

living in a shoe

you know that ancient nursery rhyme about the old lady and her many children, all living together in a shoe. i feel like that lady... i AM that lady.

let me first preface this rant as clearly a first world problem. i know that this isn't really in fact a dire predicament. all i am saying is that good golly it feels like though.

our house is tiny. i know this isn't news to anyone who's read this blog for any length of time. but seriously. it's so small. and when we just had nugg it was fine. she's got a little room. we've got a little room. everyone was cozy. then doodle came along. and still, it was fine. he slept in our room for a while, just as we anticipated he would. nugg is in her big girl bed. the crib is all set up in their room just waiting for doodle to get in. we were ready, when the time was right, to have the kiddos share a room. then. then. then. THEN our dreamy little sleep plan crashed and burnt all to an ambien-induced hell.

i don't know what it is, but the transition from crib to big girl bed caused nugg to stop sleeping through the night. ugh. i hate everyone who pushed us to get her out of that crib. EVERYONE said - get her out, get her out, get her out. and i said - nope, nope, nope, she's fine. she sleeps in there and we sleep and everyone sleeps and it's fine. i did recognize that she would have to vacate the crib eventually, ya know, so doodle could camp out there, but i should have put it off as long as possible. because now the child wakes at least once a night. and is up at 6am. and fights to go down every night. every night. EVERY night people. the crib? no prob bob - she'd climb in and snuggle down and be happy as a little clam all the night long. ok, so there ya go. first problem. she's also randomly decided that doodle's crying will set her off like an angry little tornado of sleep-deprived doom. ok, well we all pile into about 900 square feet of living space. where can i go with a screaming baby that she won't hear? WHERE? outside? ok, i guess? but doodle needs his little comforts too. and you know, it's a little sketch to be rocking a crying infant outside in january.  ok, hurray sleep strike two. the final straw. we have no where to put this kid. no where. so he sleeps in the kitchen. but he can't do that forever. i want them to share a room. i want them to both be great sleepers. but i'm exhausted and on edge and i don't know if i can make it on one more night of everyone keeping each other up. what do i do people? so far he just sleeps in his swing, but he's getting bigger. so we've concocted the idea that he'll get tucked into his pack 'n play in the "laundry room" - AKA a tenny, tiny closet that the pack 'n play won't even fit all the way into. we'll tuck him in as best we can though i guess. i hate this. i hate that he doesn't have a space. i hate that i can't rock him for an hour and snuggle him in the quiet of a peaceful room like i did with nugg. the poor little hobo has no where to go. how do i help the kiddos transition to sharing a room?? and what do i do when he needs to start going down before she does? i can only bribe nuggie to NOT wake her brother so many times. HELP internet. help me turn my teeny tiny shoebox sized house into a sleeping paradise for all of us!!!!

pizza deliciousness

check out this pizza delight! please also note the massive size of it all. i have the best recipe for homemade pizza. like sauce, dough, all of it. it takes a couple of hours from start to finish - you know waiting on the dough to rise and all that good stuff - BUT, it's totally worth it if you have the time. you're supposed to make several small pizzas from it, but well i thought one gigantic pizza bigger than the size of my pizza stone sounded like a great idea :-) i rolled up the edges (b/c it was in fact so oversized) and made a nice thick crust. bub and i devoured a good chunk of it last night and there are lots of leftovers for lunch today.

its been another long week around here. but it's ending on a positive note. i mentioned in my last post, but the Lord continues to speak tons of peace into our lives. we continue to be amazed by the kindness of others. words of encouragement and offers to help have really given us extra encouragement. i know jobs for the both of us are on the horizon.

in an effort to make a little cash to buy the kiddos fall/winter wardrobes i've started selling stuff on ebay. i've sold tons of textbooks through their other site half.com, but its been years since i sold anything on ebay. literally. i was updating my account and it had my maiden name on it and an address that i lived at with my sisterkins before we both marred and moved. i've already sold my first item and i'm hooked! bub better watch his stuff, i'm liable to snap a pic of it and post it up for sale :-P

and i'll leave you with this gross little snippet... we got some decent sleep last night - five hours i guess, but still in the fog of waking up this morning i managed to grab a dirty bowl out of the dirty dishwasher and proceeded to eat my cereal out of it. i didn't even realize it was dirty until i got to the bottom of the bowl and realized there was pizza sauce from dinner last night all over the outside of it. uh, GROSS. mama made herself a big old pot of coffee after that. it is time to wake up! oh and yes, i immediately ran the dishwasher!

potty training 101

guys - nuggie is potty training. awesome right? kinda sorta. look, i'm all for her getting out of diapers, BUT good golly it's like a million percent more work around here these days. every 15 minutes it's,

"do you have to pee pee?" "do you need to potty?" "let's go pee in the potty"

and then there's the

"mom, mom, i HAVE to pooooottttttyyyy" and "mom, mom, the pee pee is coming out!!!!!!!!!!" and the "NNNNNNOOOOO" when i ask her if she has to pee as she's holding her knees together and doing a weird squatty dance.

there is pee everywhere. like everywhere. all over the bathroom. all over my living room rug. all over all the clothes. everywhere. by the end of the day the child is usually naked as a little jay bird b/c well, it's just easier.

and oh good heavens, don't get me started on the circus that is the child having a bowel movement. it takes about 4 tries of running back and forth, sitting on the potty, nothing coming out, her freaking out that nothing is coming out, getting off the pot, running back to it and then she has to find lovie (her little tattered blankie that goes EVERYWHERE with her, apparently even to the toilet so she can poop) and then bury her head in it and let the glorious poo experience take place. 

she's getting it though. she really is. she made it to church and back and stayed totally dry and used the potty there. we've made a few other trips out and she's stayed dry too. today, the big test - off we went to preschool in her big girl undies. and of course we get stuck in some nasty traffic on the way there this morning. the whole time i'm thinking, "don't pee, don't pee". and you know, she didn't. and she came home with only two pairs of wet shorts. not too bad really.

so i'm doing laundry like 18 times a day now and poor doodle gets laid on the bathroom rug while i'm helping nuggie up onto the potty. and i'm not doing much else during the day now but asking the poor thing five hundred million times, "do you need to potty?" but she really is doing it and i'm super proud of her. she's getting too big way too fast.

ok and look ---

this will change your potty training life. for real. we had the grubby little potty chair in our already too tiny bathroom and it was gross. and i was gross. and everyone was gross. THEN, we talked to some friends of ours who shared with us the wonderfulness that is this combo toilet seat. guys, hello - its got a kiddy seat built in to it. no dumping buckets of pee and poo into the toilet - she can just use it and flush it and life goes on. if you're needing to potty train a kid soon - run, RUN i say and purchase this for your toilet. you will not regret it.

on a lighter note...

so the last entry was a little dark. and i'm sorry, but kind of not. i used to journal. like all.the.time. and as a busy mommy, i rarely have time to sit with my notebook in a quiet place and write. somehow typing away on here just seems easier... so many people reached out with kind words of encouragement and i truly appreciate it all. bub and i both just had a really rough time of it last week and i was feeling so discouraged. at church on sunday it felt like the Lord was speaking peace into our lives, even in the middle of this. and that has helped so much.

the thing is, i didn't expect our life to look like this right now. like at all. we've been hanging on by a thread the last couple of years, trying to get me through nursing school. using student loans to fill in the gaps that me not working left in our budget. we looked forward to the day when i'd be employed and we could do things like go to the grocery store and not worry so much about the price of a box of cereal or you know, maybe have the funds to replace the 13 year old car sitting in our driveway. but instead we're even worse off. what kind of a nurse can't find a job?!?  but you know, it really will work out. it really, really will. life never goes how we thought it would. sometimes that's good and sometimes it's bad. right now is sort of a bad time, but it could all change in an instant. and it will. so until then i'm going to try my best to be positive and trust that it will all be ok.

alright - so that said - let's get back to some fun chit chat.

first, our oven nearly crapped out on us today. and after everything i was like - ok, seriously. now? the heating coil thingy literally melted in half. what? i never even put the darn thing about like 400. i'm too scared to broil things. i've always been convinced i'll burn the house down that way. how does it melt? and of course it was just as bub popped a giant raw chicken into it. thank you Jesus (seriously) for friends who know things about things. we know a guy who was able to talk bub through what needed to be fixed. he ran down to the parts store, grabbed a new coil and $40 later it was good as new. side note - the chicken was amazing!

second, we found the biggest. scariest. most giant-ess (that's a word, right???) caterpillar/grub looking thing EVER this morning in our garden. oh, my poor, sad garden. it all started and then died b/c i just couldn't keep up with it. so we were all out there cleaning it up and trying to get it back in order when we saw it. i was convinced it was a lizard tail. we've got mosby, the vicious hunter cat (ok, he's not really vicious at all - but he does bring all sorts of dead treasures to the door step) roaming around. uh no, it's a caterpillar and it's gross and huge and sitting in a tupperware in my kitchen right now. i'm a super nerd and sent a picture to some know-it-all at UT trying to figure out what it is exactly. Pita (my momma) is a super garden queen and she thinks it's a tomato hornworm. it's huge. i said that right? i'll let you know what they say!

third, can i brag on my baby boy. i know - it's like a cardinal sin of parenthood. you never, ever, EVER brag about how great things are, b/c as soon as you do all hell usually breaks lose. but c'mon, i have to. he's the best. he's got to be the most chill, happy, laid back little dude. he's so smiley and wonderful. we are so so blessed by his happy addition to our family. a few things though. he sleeps in the kitchen. yep. in the kitchen. why you may ask? why is my baby tucked away with the blender and the crockpot? b/c we're all sleeping this way. with nuggie i was so wound up about where and how and why she was sleeping and you know what, the girl STILL didn't sleep. she didn't sleep through the night routinely until she was nearly two. was she in her crib every night? yes. but you know what, we were all still exhausted. this time around i've taken a totally different approach. our babies are good. like really good. and for the important stuff i'm being firm and that's that. other things though, like tucking doodle in with the pots and pans (ok, not REALLY people, calm down) i'm totally fine with. nugg is a light sleeper and doodle is still up every 3-4 hours to eat, so he can't go in their room yet. he's also a noisy little sleeper, lots of grunts and snuffles and squeaks. so when he was in our room he was keeping bub and i up. so a new plan was made and now we're all getting the best rest we can for right now. i'm learning that being a parent is so much more about flexibility and going with the flow rather than following the letter of every parenting book. we know our babies better than dr. spock or sears or whoever.

ok, and finally... miley cyrus? really? maybe i'm just getting old, but seriously - someone tell that girl to put away her foam finger, put on some clothes and quit "twerking". which i had to look up, b/c i'm that old and didn't know what the hell that even was.

so many lemons...

i've been wanting to blog for a while now. wanting to write and get some feelings out. i've tossed the idea around. maybe i over share? maybe this makes me look less like the adult of a certain age i'm supposed to be? maybe a potential employer will search me out all google-style and find this and never hire me? maybe my kids will track this down and be embarrassed by their mother's rambling? i don't know. and honestly at this point, i don't much care. life is hard. it is. and i'm an over-sharing loony. so deal. it's therapy for me to write and journaling just isn't my thing anymore.

so here we are. about six weeks since bub got the big boot from his job. and we're all scared. worn out. on edge. what's going to happen? what will we do? we've both hunted down jobs all across the country. no one wants us. a move is most likely on the horizon for us. nashville is just proving to be a wasteland where job seekers of our sort go to hang in breeze like a bad pair of mom shorts on a clothesline. all awkward and ugly just hanging out there. not wanting to be claimed by anyone. and my heart is broken. while moving is in fact something we've tossed around in the past, the idea of it going down like this literally hurts my heart. nashville and i have been together for 12 years now. 12. that's longer than i've lived anywhere. it's my home. everything that is important to me has happened here. i met bub. our first date. our wedding. our first home. our babies. all of it. and now here we are, about to be forced out to who knows where. i honestly thought i was doing a smart thing becoming a nurse. i thought i'd have no trouble at all finding work. obviously i didn't expect to walk out right into my dream job, but hello. i'm a nurse. what sort of a nurse can't find work anywhere? me i guess. and bub, his line of work is tricky and kind of hard to come by.

we have to take care of our kiddos. and soon our little stash of emergency money will be gone and we'll be left with nothing. so a decision has to be made. what kind, i don't know. i keep praying about it. people keep telling me it will all work out. i'm not so sure folks. i know alot of people in the Bible who were believers who had their lives literally crumble around them. will my babies and i end up on the street? lose the little we hold so dear? i don't know. i know i want to stay here. i want to work. i'm a hard worker and not afraid to do what needs to be done. i want to raise my babies in the place that has made me who i am. i want them to know the beauty that is a spring morning in tennesee - the dogwood flowers and pear blossoms. i want them them to walk downtown and giggle during CMA week. i want them to stay in our church and know our friends and eat biscuits at the loveless. i want to drive them around and show them the school where mommy and daddy fell in love.

my heart is sad and i don't know what to do. i want to blame the people responsible for this. but i know that does no good and they don't care. we were so close to finally. FINALLY. getting things together. and now we're back to nothing. only this time we have two tiny souls to care for. two HUGE reasons we can't mess up. so i guess if that means a move then we move. whatever it takes to care for them.

my heart is sad friends.

why i do what i do...

i literally just snapped this pic and i love it. i know i'm biased, but aren't they gorgeous?!? we have one of those little play mats that belonged to nugg and now baby man is getting some good use out of it. anytime i pull it out for him to lay on nugg insists on laying beside him. it's actually really sweet, especially now that he's starting to smile a little.

these two are my reason for being. if all i ever did in this whole wide world was to have them then that would be enough for me. amazingly enough i am also so blessed to have a wonderful husband, a brand new career, dear friends and countless other blessings in my life.

life has handed us a few lemons in the last few weeks though. i passed the NCLEX - yea! but can't find a job - boo. i have LITERALLY applied for 200 jobs. do i tend to exaggerate from time to time? yes. am i stretching the truth here? not one tiny bit. and of all those applications and hours spent filling out my name, address, job history and references i have had ONE call back. one. there's an interview scheduled for next friday - if you think of it please say a prayer for our little family that something would work out and work out soon. bub lost his job last week. as in he went to work and was told there wasn't a place for him anymore. more specifically he was helping me. i had a drs appointment and he took off a couple of hours to help me wrangle the kiddos. he left work to pick us up and two hours later went back and was let go. let go... sounds so easy. but it's not. and i'm heartbroken for him. i've been there, been let go from a job and it sucks. but that was years ago, before we had kids, before we owned a home, when it was just us and a crappy little apartment to take care of. he worked for his employer for seven years. do i want to find the people responsible for this and give them a piece of my mind? yes. perhaps a piece of my fist too. how do you do that? how does someone who's worked their ass off for years just walk into a place and get told their position has been eliminated. like it's just no big thing. pack your office that you've been in for years and go. don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out. seriously??? bub asked me to be kind on this blog of mine. kind. polite. professional. all bullshit words right now. i'd love for them to show a shred of kindness to him. and now we're screwed. let me starve, whatever. but our babies??? we've got two precious little souls to care for. to house, feed and cloth. oh yea, and a few bills to pay too... a mortgage. student loans - they don't much care if we've got an income or not. food is kinda nice too. my bub is an amazing man. he's committed to finding a new job, but you can't force it i guess. i hope something works out soon. he deserves it. and i hope he finds a place that appreciates him, because any company would be lucky to have him.
 
karma is a nasty little wench my friends... till then we'll keep our chins up and our resumes fresh. i know this ugly chapter of our life will be behind us soon.