i've been wanting to blog for a while now. wanting to write and get some feelings out. i've tossed the idea around. maybe i over share? maybe this makes me look less like the adult of a certain age i'm supposed to be? maybe a potential employer will search me out all google-style and find this and never hire me? maybe my kids will track this down and be embarrassed by their mother's rambling? i don't know. and honestly at this point, i don't much care. life is hard. it is. and i'm an over-sharing loony. so deal. it's therapy for me to write and journaling just isn't my thing anymore.
so here we are. about six weeks since bub got the big boot from his job. and we're all scared. worn out. on edge. what's going to happen? what will we do? we've both hunted down jobs all across the country. no one wants us. a move is most likely on the horizon for us. nashville is just proving to be a wasteland where job seekers of our sort go to hang in breeze like a bad pair of mom shorts on a clothesline. all awkward and ugly just hanging out there. not wanting to be claimed by anyone. and my heart is broken. while moving is in fact something we've tossed around in the past, the idea of it going down like this literally hurts my heart. nashville and i have been together for 12 years now. 12. that's longer than i've lived anywhere. it's my home. everything that is important to me has happened here. i met bub. our first date. our wedding. our first home. our babies. all of it. and now here we are, about to be forced out to who knows where. i honestly thought i was doing a smart thing becoming a nurse. i thought i'd have no trouble at all finding work. obviously i didn't expect to walk out right into my dream job, but hello. i'm a nurse. what sort of a nurse can't find work anywhere? me i guess. and bub, his line of work is tricky and kind of hard to come by.
we have to take care of our kiddos. and soon our little stash of emergency money will be gone and we'll be left with nothing. so a decision has to be made. what kind, i don't know. i keep praying about it. people keep telling me it will all work out. i'm not so sure folks. i know alot of people in the Bible who were believers who had their lives literally crumble around them. will my babies and i end up on the street? lose the little we hold so dear? i don't know. i know i want to stay here. i want to work. i'm a hard worker and not afraid to do what needs to be done. i want to raise my babies in the place that has made me who i am. i want them to know the beauty that is a spring morning in tennesee - the dogwood flowers and pear blossoms. i want them them to walk downtown and giggle during CMA week. i want them to stay in our church and know our friends and eat biscuits at the loveless. i want to drive them around and show them the school where mommy and daddy fell in love.
my heart is sad and i don't know what to do. i want to blame the people responsible for this. but i know that does no good and they don't care. we were so close to finally. FINALLY. getting things together. and now we're back to nothing. only this time we have two tiny souls to care for. two HUGE reasons we can't mess up. so i guess if that means a move then we move. whatever it takes to care for them.
my heart is sad friends.
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