Friday, August 31, 2012

an age old question

i know i know, i just blogged, but i've been tossing around some thoughts for a while now and i have no idea where to go with them... i could use some direction and words of wisdom.

why does God allow His people to suffer? why does He allow children to be in pain?

i'm a believer, but lately i'm having real trouble reconciling the God of love being who He says He is and all the pain and suffering that exists around me.

a woman i didn't have the chance to know died this week after a battle with cancer. i've been reading her blog for a LONG time. she was an amazing, Godly woman who never had anything discouraging to say about her diagnosis. she also happened to have two small boys and a husband at home. now they're alone. those two little boys will never get to hug their mother again. never hear her tell them she loves them. how can a God of love allow this??

a family member is going through something similar now. small children, a family. how can this be?

God CAN heal them, yet he doesn't.

i don't understand it. i want to. but right now i just can't. i want to hear what others have to say about this.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Eight... Passions??

Does anyone else remember that silly soap that used to be on, oh, in the late 90's - Passions? Oh. My. Word. what a fabulous train wreck of daytime tv!

So hello :-) First week of the new semester has come and gone. It's been intense. Lots of lecture. Lots of clinical orientations. Lots of WTF moments, but also LOTS of excited and hopeful ones too. I LOVE LOVE LOVE our instructors this semester. They seem so genuine and kind and sincerely interested in us knowing the content. Clinicals start next week... I've got mixed feelings (OK, mostly bad feelings) about this - BUT, I'm sure it'll be just fine. And if not, well, it is what it is, right?

Alright, so a quick thing before I move on to #8 in the list of awesome things. I'm sorry I announced to the whole internet that my "baby clock" was ticking... that was a bit much. Sometimes I think this little blog thing is just for me to read. I forget that other people can see it too! I'm not sorry for writing it, I want to share in an honest way... But part of me scrunches up a little that I actually said this...


What are 5 of your passions?

Hmmmm.... This one might be hard....

1) Keeping a "home". I adore keeping a comfortable home. Yes, I am a clean freak. Though, visit my house lately and you'll see it's a pretty big mess (thanks school :-(. But normally, I love keeping the house tidy. And ALWAYS smelling nice. I want there to always be yummy snacks and a soft place to sit. I want the bed to made up and ready for a nap. I want the towels to be clean and soft and dry. I want it be Bub and Nugg's safe, happy, restful place. Always our home must be inviting and restful. 

2) Cooking. I'm not so great at cooking, but I'm working on it. I've had some masterful success stories in the kitchen and some epic failures. Most of my food is "comfort food"... I try to always give it a healthy twist though. For instance tonight we had "Stacked Veggie Enchiladas". They were super yummy and super healthy. Yum! I want to learn to cut an onion like they do on fancy cooking shows. And I want to have nice cookware someday. Nuggie likes to help already :-) We pull up a chair and she will stir and dump and mix things!

3) Living "Green". This is not really super successful these days. Living this way is pricey and time consuming. I want to buy all the Method cleaning products and shop at Whole Foods, but on our income that's not really a possibility. We make choices though on important things like meat and dairy products. I have a garden and we recycle. I haul my cloth bags to the store. It is very important to me things like the enviromenment. I think alot of Christians get a bad wrap for not giving two poops about the Earth and caring for it - I'm trying to change this. 

4) Nugg! She is my world. She is everything that I have ever done that is right. She's my little princess and I want to raise her the very best that I can. I'm a pushover, so I guess that's bad. She's a little spoiled. But if I can't spoil her, then who can? I would literally jump off a building if it was for her good. Oh how I love that little lady.

5) The weather. Thanks to my Dad for this one. Oh he was a weather nerd. He'd obsess over it. Guess it passed on to me :-) I fret over it. I check it a million times a day. I think about it way more than a young 30-year old girl should. It reminds me of him though. For a long time after he died I'd watch the Weather Channel before bed. It just made me feel closer to him :-)

Nighty night friends :-)

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Lucky #7

i'm enjoying an extra large glass of riesling tonight, my last night of summer vacay. please forgive all spelling errors and sloppy grammar :-)

so - quick update... summer break is coming to a screeching halt - boo. BUT, i'm starting my last two semesters of school. woohoo! i've heard this year is a killer. whatever. failure is not an option at this point and so i'm gonna kick med/surg and mental health's rear-end!

work is going great. i've been tech-ing on mother/baby - LOVE IT! the other floors, ehhhh, not so much. everyone keeps telling me to branch out, increase my skills. but what if all i really want to do is be an L&D nurse? why can't i be the very best L&D nurse possible? it's not like everyone runs around telling math teachers to be super awesome at ALL kinds of teaching... you've got to be skilled at what you do the best. hmmm... i'll keep working in the float pool though - get my experience while i can i guess.

*** honesty alert *** my baby clock (what do they call that?!? time out to search this...
 thanks google - biological clock) is tick tocking again. we want to add to our little family badly. well, i think i do. there are of course those days when nuggie melts the frap down and i think ONE is ENOUGH! ok, but here's the deal. nuggie is an AWFUL sleeper. no, really, AWFUL. and we live in a tenny, tiny 950 sq foot house. two bedrooms. our room is literally so small we can't fit a pack n play in it without blocking the way out. so, here's my question - do we dive in to the land of two babies and just deal, praying nuggie will adjust to sleeping with a newborn in her room? (the thought of this literally gives me nervous shakes) OR do we wait a couple more years and just have the two of them spaced out a bit? hoping we'll live in a bigger house by then with some room to stretch out and keep the two kiddos separated a little?? i need some advice. and while i'm certainly not an old maid, 30 has now come and just about gone... is waiting till i'm 33 or 34 to have another baby a bad idea?

alright - quick... i've got to keep this list thing a rollin'

#7 What is your dream job and why?

dream job??? hmmmm.... it would probably be to NOT work at all. i really don't enjoy working. this is a dream after all, right? i'd rather go to yoga classes and cook awesome dinners and organize fun charity events and be super involved with nuggie's preschool. if i MUST work, i'd love to run a good midwifery clinic here in nashville. we are seriously lacking in alternative choices for mom's to be. we've got one of the highest rates of c-sections in the country. and the ONE midwife practice we have here kinda sucks. sorry ladies, just sayin'. just because we choose to do something a little different doesn't mean we don't still need some guidance and quality healthcare. i'd love to create a practice where the whole woman/family is cared for as a new life is brought into the world. this could include a quality healthcare practice, fitness classes, birthing classes, massage therapy and much more! that would be my dream job! pregnancy and giving birth are natural life events, not medical conditions to be handled with drugs, rigid protocols and no choices... just sayin'. 

alright - wine time must end. gotta get my booty to class bright and early 

Thursday, August 9, 2012

#6 - Yet We Have Hope

Whew - moving right along on my list of #30 things...

#6) What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

This entry might be a little sad... 
We've had a lot of sickness and death in our family the last few years. 2008/2009 was pretty rough, I lost my amazing Aunt Kathy, my wonderful Grandpa Jack and my dad all within a few months of each other. My dad was of course the toughest to lose. I think it was November 2007 (around that time anyhow, I remember Christmas shopping) that I was out and got a call from my momma saying that Dad wasn't acting like himself. She was a little worried, but he had been having health issues for a couple years at this point and they thought it might be one of the drugs he was on for his diverticulitis. The next day or so she called again to say he was acting even stranger and that they were heading to the hospital. There, they told her they thought he had had a stroke and that they were sending him on to UT for further tests. It was there that we found out it wasn't a stroke but in fact a very large brain tumor. It ended up being a really bad kind, one that is almost never cured. He wasn't given long, but ended up staying with us for almost a year and a half, much longer than they had anticipated. He was never, ever himself again though. I wasn't super close to my dad and to this day I can't remember my last "normal" conversation with him. He was so so sick those 18 months. He endured weeks and weeks and WEEKS of very high doses of chemo. Rounds of radiation. He lost so much weight. He didn't act like himself, he acted like a little kid - getting in to things you might shoo a toddler away from. My amazing mother stayed by his side every minute of every day. He stopped eating and she'd coax him into nibbling on pudding and juice boxes. She had to quite her job to care for him. It is heartbreaking to see your dad go through something like this. It's even more painful when the relationship was damaged and not able to be repaired because his mind was gone. I never got to work things out with him. I never got one last "I love you". I wish desperately that I could go back in time and just give him a hug. One big, huge hug and tell him I love him. Instead my last real memory of him before the diagnosis is a fight. If I could pass one thing along from this is don't live your life like that, not with your family. We had another scary health diagnosis just two weeks ago. I can't say much about it, but I will tell you that just before the news came I was in the middle of an argument with a family member (I promise, we don't argue as much as it sounds!)... then you get that news and the world comes to a screeching halt. It's not worth it friends. Love your family. Cherish your family. Embrace your differences and also the ties that bind you all together. Life is a short thing that we are not guaranteed. Don't live the rest of it with regrets like mine.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

#5 - A Greatful Heart

did i spell that right? is it greatful or grateful? oops - well there ya go, auto correct fixed it for me... it is indeed grateful... surprise, surprise - i can't spell ;-)

so hello august. where did you come from? seriously. this summer is flying by. nuggie is doing great - she's finally starting to talk a little bit. she says super awesome things like, "mama, i poo" and "where's it at?". she's such a wonderful, amazing little person. as we approach the two year mark she is for sure asserting her independence. tantrums are many and often. we get lots and lots of "no" and throwing things and angry little looks. BUT, it's wonderful. she's growing into who she will be and she's figuring out what she does and doesn't like. she starts daycare in a couple of weeks *sniff, sniff*. i'm having a really hard time with this. i feel guilty that i can't be with her 100% of the time. i'm scared about what's going on in her little world when i'm not around. what if someone is mean to her? what if she's crying? what if she doesn't understand the rules and get's in to trouble? what if something happens and i'm not there? but what can i do? going back to school means getting a great job and giving her a better life. i have to finish this. she's nearly two, i'm thankful that i've been able to keep her mostly at home with me that whole time.

work is going great. i floated over to the the postpartum floor which just thrilled me! ultimately i want to end up being a labor and delivery nurse, i'm hoping some experience on the mother/baby floor will help me get a foot in the door. i've hounded the manager on their floor and i'm scheduled for three more shifts up there. i can't wait!! i loved everything about my last shift there... well, except for my 4am rounds. no one. NO ONE. wants to be woken up at 4am to have their blood pressure taken. sorry ladies - gotta do it.

so back to THE LIST: -

What are 5 things that make you most happy right now?

1) my little family always makes me happy. i love my little family so much. i'm so thankful for them. so thankful we're all together. so thankful and blessed that i have such a wonderful hubby and daughter.

2) the idea of having "real" tv again tickles me. whatever. you can be a tv hater. and maybe it does lower my IQ. but we're broke and we don't do much and i miss my DVR. the amazing direct tv man is coming tomorrow. i can't wait. 

3) sleep. sleep makes me happy. working nights is tough. nothing can make you feel better than sleep. is there ever a time in your adult life when you're not at least a little bit tired? 

4) new school supplies. i'm all geared up for the new semester. i have fresh binders and folders and pens. organizing my school bag makes me happy :-) i wish i could order a new thirty-one tote. i told myself when i've graduated i'll treat myself to a new one!

5) my awesome extended family. i have such a great collection of amazing aunts, uncles, cousins, brother-in-law, grandma, nephew... i'm a blessed girl. i wish desperately that we were ALL living closer rather than being scattered all across the country. 

that's about all i've got. good night sweet friends.