Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Eight Months?

Hey Guys,

Remember that time I'd blog.... and keep you all updated on the little activities of our family. Its been EIGHT months since I did that... What??? Alot has happened since the last time we talked. Ok, maybe nothing earth shattering, but still kinda big in my world.

Work is good. I wish I could talk about it more. But seriously, I have found my dream job. I'm so so SO lucky to be caring for moms and babies! No one has tried to bite me or claw me or poop on me in months!

The kid's are great. Both growing like little weeds. Rosie is starting pre-k this week. What??? How is that possible?? And E is two. And crazy. And so much fun.

We just got back from the beach. Someone please take me back. It was the fastest week of my life. And we didn't do much. How is that possible?? We went to the beach. Took naps. Ate. Went back to the beach. It was a little bit of perfection.

Ok, so work is good. Kids are good. Life is good. But why don't I feel that way? Hello - honesty alert - I'm a mess. My anxiety is seriously through the roof. I'm seeing the psych dr. weekly now (starting today, for real) and perhaps he'll help. I don't know. I can NOT stop worrying about every little thing. But thank God for real friends because I know I am not alone. I know that this too shall pass. But some days it just doesn't feel that way...

Anyways. This is short and sweet. But perhaps it will be the start of a regular thing? Who knows.

Love you all,

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

best birthday ever???

Today I turned 33. Thirty-Three. Please forgive me, but that's sort of depressing. I'm officially a 30-something. 30 was kind of fun, kind of novel. 33 - ehhh, I sort of feel like I should have accomplished more by now. It's all stuff related - clearly not all that important in the grand scheme of things - but still things you think about when one enters her mid-30's.

Anyhow, let me continue the ride on the pity-train. We woke up this morning to discover that we had no water. And did this little lady stash away even one gallon of water? Uh, negative. If my father was still around he'd say - did I teach you nothing??? Thankfully we soon realized that the water outage was not just our house but all of south Nashville... So at least it wasn't an issue with our pipes or something. Whew - first crisis averted. Next, the kids get up. Eli and I are standing in the kitchen getting a bowl of cereal and oops - he vomits all over me. Yeah - the birthday girl is covered in puke - and I hadn't even had a drink yet... Thank goodness the water decided to kick back on at that exact moment.

The rest of my day consisted of a TB skin test for work and a spilled very expensive and very sweetly gifted cup of coffee. Eli decided to take a shower in my Barista Parlor latte birthday coffee - don't worry, it was cold, b/c I hadn't had a second to sit down and enjoy the lovely cup of goodness - but he did pull it off the counter on to his head. It then showered my kitchen in a sticky, expensive mess. Finally, the cherry on the top of a wonderful day - Rosie and Eli got into a lovely sibling tussle that ended with E smacking his little head on the corner of the tv stand that resulted in a good sized gash on his head. This added to the other three goose eggs he's already sporting and I'm pretty sure a call to DCS is somewhere in our future... he looks like a little bruiser.

Brutal Honesty Alert - Sometimes I wonder why we had kids. I feel like the most under prepared, good for nothing mother ever. I reached out to a dear friend today in a sort of SOS moment... Quick - mommy is sinking. I'm not one of those women who can go with the flow. I never have and I guess I never will. A puking child doesn't just bum me out, it quite literally ruins my day. And it has nothing to do with poor sweet Eli. I know the little guy is ill and feels yucky. My brain just starts racing... He's going to puke all day and won't get to go to daycare and I'll have to call in sick and then I'll get fired b/c I've only been at my job two months and who keeps on someone who's already had to call out once b/c of this exact same illness in November?!? And oh yea, we visited friends yesterday and was he contagious then? Are they sick now too? Great, we're that family with the germ monkey children that infect the world... And on, and on, and on. I literally can't shut off my brain. I'm the worst. The worst mom ever. Ok, maybe not the worst. My children are warm, clean, fed and cared for. But am I passing on my anxiety to them? Can they read my expression when inside all I'm doing is screaming - GET ME OUT OF HERE?!? Because they didn't ask to be born. They didn't ask to come into this world to a mom who's such a basket case. They're gentle, innocent darlings.

What a day. What a birthday... I'm going to go drown myself in my cheap white sheet cake that Bub brought home for me... Don't worry - it's exactly what I asked for. I'm a sucker for a grocery store birthday cake.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

to blog or not to blog?

As per usual I have gone many months since my last entry... I don't know, I LOVE to write, like really, really. On the other hand, why write something no one reads???

Guess I'll give my usual update :-)

The kids are doing wonderfully. We all survived the great Stomach Flu of '14 a few weeks ago. Rosalie was always the one to bring home an upper respiratory bug - colds, sore throats, croup - she was the queen of those ailments. E on the other hand really loves his GI bugs. Diarrhea, vomiting? That's his MO. Thanks buddy - the ENTIRE clan had the joy of sharing the germies over the week of Thanksgiving, even poor Gramps who came to visit was stricken. We all made it through though and hopefully we'll not catch it again for a while.

Work is going well. I started an amazing new job last month. It's just about perfection. I'm working maternal/newborn at a large hospital here in town. The only thing that would be make it even more perfect was if I was on an L&D floor... but I'll get there. In the meantime I'm adoring each shift more and more - what a blessing to be caring for sweet new babies and their lovely mommas. Such a change of pace from my last workplace. No one is sexually harrasing me, or swinging IV poles at me head. I haven't had to clean up CDIFF or break my back to roll a 300 pound pt over in the bed. I want to remind myself every day where I came from and what a blessing it is to be doing what I love finally.

Books! I've started reading again. I recently read Gone Girl (LOVED it!) and just last night finished up The Leftovers (which was really good, but the HBO series is SOOOOO much better). Any good recommendations? I'm for sure a fiction lover - what are you guys reading??

Ok - Rosie is fussing at me... Ahh, motherhood. I'll really, really try to write again soon.


Wednesday, September 3, 2014

day 3

yo - i made energy balls tonight. balls.of.energy. maybe they'll really supply with actual energy and i can rocket through my day getting all the things done? eh, or maybe they'll just be super yummy??

the balls of energy are in fact yummy. thank you pinterest.

i made it to the gym today - win.

i also made it to my endocrinologist today and she informed me i've gained 3 pounds since my last check up - lose.

bub and i had an impromptu lunchy date. that was a win. life has been so rough on us lately. it is so easy to lose touch with someone even when you live under the same roof. when money is tight and stress is high even little things suddenly become very big. it felt like a little breath of fresh air to get out just bub and i, even for just an hour on a busy wednesday afternoon. i'm thankful for the these little things.

tomorrow is thursday. i don't know if that means anything to you.  but happy sept 4th dears!

Monday, September 1, 2014

Day One

What the what... It's September 1st. And I'm up. And everyone else is asleep. And I've got to admit it's pretty damn nice. I'm serious (or at least I think I am) about really, REALLY trying to start some new good, healthy habits this month and trying to ditch some of those old, bad ones. So I set my alarm for a stupid early hour this morning so I could get up and exercise before everyone was clinging to my legs and begging for attention.

We've been out of town for a few days and returned late last night. My sweet Grandma passed away. I'm so thankful we were able to join the family and all be together, well most of us. Two beautiful women in our family are/were VERY pregnant and couldn't travel. One sweet angel baby was actually born while we were up there this weekend! One is still warm and cozy in his momma's tummy, but I know that little guy will arrive soon :-)

Anyways, all this to say, we had a late night, a long weekend and the last thing I wanted to do was get up in the dark and exercise. But I did it. It's only day one, I won't go getting too cocky. But I did do it. Exercise is something I've long loved to do. Before the kiddos it was part of my daily routine to get into the Y every night after work for at least an hour or two. That's not my reality anymore and that's ok, but it isn't unreasonable to find a little time for myself to get some cardio or yoga in a few times a week. We have On Demand, it is FULL of workouts you can watch for free and so I did two of them this morning. No more excuses.

Now I'm sitting here have a healthy breakfast and a cup of coffee in a a quiet kitchen. This is great. A little time to prepare for another busy day :-)

Sunday, August 31, 2014

30 Days...

Thirty days... They say you can break a bad habit (or add a great new one) in that time. I need some new ones people and I need to ditch a few (or fifty) bad ones. So in 21 minutes we'll welcome a new month - September 1 - a month exactly 30 days long. I'm going to TRY to blog every day. Thirty days of the good, bad and ugly.

Life is a messy whirlwind these days. A hurricane of dirty diapers, overstretched schedules, exhausted frustrations. I'm not one to shy away from honesty - to lay it all out there - because that's how we grow. Being transparent allows others to learn from what we're going through and it's how I ask for help. How I let others know, hey, I need advice, help, love.

Can an exhausted mommy, frazzled wife and anxious woman - all rolled in to one - find peace? Find God's path? Find a calm heart?

Eh.... I don't know. I'm skeptical. BUT I'm putting a new foundation into place. I want to chronicle it - mostly b/c I'm hoping it will help to keep me accountable, but maybe a little too that it will speak to another frazzled mommy, another wounded heart.

Happy September first my dears. Here's to a new month, a fresh start and lots of grace ahead!


Friday, June 27, 2014

screamy meltdown on aisle 4

i've been a momma now for nearly 4 years. certainly i'm no expert, but i feel like i'm beginning to wrack up a little experience... but i'm stumped. so if you have any helpful advice, please share.

how do some of you moms make it look so easy? i swear, still getting out the door in the morning takes the amount of effort reserved for things like passing a national law or getting the hubby to agree to a let me watch lifetime at night. i felt so great. we made it to the gym TWICE this week. this is huge. and today, i paid for it. i got the kiddos up and ready, only took about an hour (ugh), got rosie to preschool aaaannnndd realized i forgot her lunch. yep. mom of the year. left her little lunch bag in the fridge. ok - no biggie her teacher says - they have extra lunchy stuff for just such occasions. awesome. i feel like a loser mom, but at least she won't starve. on to the grocery store we go. i get the diaper bag. my purse. my pile of cloth grocery bags - you know trying to save planet earth for the kiddos. my list and coupons - you know trying to save a little cash so they kids can go to college someday. and we get in and E starts losing it. like screaming and throwing stuff and is shivering. he's burning up. and he had a weird rash this morning too. mommy is starting to put two and two together - my main man is sick :-( i start freaking out. who cares if i'm a nurse, your baby is sick and it's game over. he's got a rash people. a rash. a weird one. so i call bub, duh - he'll know what to do. call the dr. he says. great - i do - they can see him this afternoon... ok, but i've got to finish the shopping, so i carry him. all 20 pounds of him. in one arm and shop with the other. trying to go as fast i possibly can without running everyone else over. he's screaming. doesn't want anything but to be held. i'm sure i looked awesome man handling a watermelon into the cart single handed with a screamy boy in the other...

i could go on... but this is my day. my routine. what the what? what am i doing wrong? i try to do good - get back to the gym and the kiddo picks up a nasty little bug. i try to plan ahead and STILL my day falls apart. my house is a wreck. we're eating ham sandwiches for dinner. i haven't showered. what the frap am i missing?!? help a momma out!

alright - let's finish on a positive note. i did make it to the gym twice - better than none times. i did make several super healthy meals this week - black bean/spinach enchiladas one night and baked salmon another - woot. i only splurged one day this week so far and haven't had any candy/cookies/sugary junk otherwise. i'm determined to get healthy again. just wish the kiddos were on board with my plan too.

ok - it's about time to take tiny boy to the doctor.