so many lemons...

i've been wanting to blog for a while now. wanting to write and get some feelings out. i've tossed the idea around. maybe i over share? maybe this makes me look less like the adult of a certain age i'm supposed to be? maybe a potential employer will search me out all google-style and find this and never hire me? maybe my kids will track this down and be embarrassed by their mother's rambling? i don't know. and honestly at this point, i don't much care. life is hard. it is. and i'm an over-sharing loony. so deal. it's therapy for me to write and journaling just isn't my thing anymore.

so here we are. about six weeks since bub got the big boot from his job. and we're all scared. worn out. on edge. what's going to happen? what will we do? we've both hunted down jobs all across the country. no one wants us. a move is most likely on the horizon for us. nashville is just proving to be a wasteland where job seekers of our sort go to hang in breeze like a bad pair of mom shorts on a clothesline. all awkward and ugly just hanging out there. not wanting to be claimed by anyone. and my heart is broken. while moving is in fact something we've tossed around in the past, the idea of it going down like this literally hurts my heart. nashville and i have been together for 12 years now. 12. that's longer than i've lived anywhere. it's my home. everything that is important to me has happened here. i met bub. our first date. our wedding. our first home. our babies. all of it. and now here we are, about to be forced out to who knows where. i honestly thought i was doing a smart thing becoming a nurse. i thought i'd have no trouble at all finding work. obviously i didn't expect to walk out right into my dream job, but hello. i'm a nurse. what sort of a nurse can't find work anywhere? me i guess. and bub, his line of work is tricky and kind of hard to come by.

we have to take care of our kiddos. and soon our little stash of emergency money will be gone and we'll be left with nothing. so a decision has to be made. what kind, i don't know. i keep praying about it. people keep telling me it will all work out. i'm not so sure folks. i know alot of people in the Bible who were believers who had their lives literally crumble around them. will my babies and i end up on the street? lose the little we hold so dear? i don't know. i know i want to stay here. i want to work. i'm a hard worker and not afraid to do what needs to be done. i want to raise my babies in the place that has made me who i am. i want them to know the beauty that is a spring morning in tennesee - the dogwood flowers and pear blossoms. i want them them to walk downtown and giggle during CMA week. i want them to stay in our church and know our friends and eat biscuits at the loveless. i want to drive them around and show them the school where mommy and daddy fell in love.

my heart is sad and i don't know what to do. i want to blame the people responsible for this. but i know that does no good and they don't care. we were so close to finally. FINALLY. getting things together. and now we're back to nothing. only this time we have two tiny souls to care for. two HUGE reasons we can't mess up. so i guess if that means a move then we move. whatever it takes to care for them.

my heart is sad friends.

why i do what i do...

i literally just snapped this pic and i love it. i know i'm biased, but aren't they gorgeous?!? we have one of those little play mats that belonged to nugg and now baby man is getting some good use out of it. anytime i pull it out for him to lay on nugg insists on laying beside him. it's actually really sweet, especially now that he's starting to smile a little.

these two are my reason for being. if all i ever did in this whole wide world was to have them then that would be enough for me. amazingly enough i am also so blessed to have a wonderful husband, a brand new career, dear friends and countless other blessings in my life.

life has handed us a few lemons in the last few weeks though. i passed the NCLEX - yea! but can't find a job - boo. i have LITERALLY applied for 200 jobs. do i tend to exaggerate from time to time? yes. am i stretching the truth here? not one tiny bit. and of all those applications and hours spent filling out my name, address, job history and references i have had ONE call back. one. there's an interview scheduled for next friday - if you think of it please say a prayer for our little family that something would work out and work out soon. bub lost his job last week. as in he went to work and was told there wasn't a place for him anymore. more specifically he was helping me. i had a drs appointment and he took off a couple of hours to help me wrangle the kiddos. he left work to pick us up and two hours later went back and was let go. let go... sounds so easy. but it's not. and i'm heartbroken for him. i've been there, been let go from a job and it sucks. but that was years ago, before we had kids, before we owned a home, when it was just us and a crappy little apartment to take care of. he worked for his employer for seven years. do i want to find the people responsible for this and give them a piece of my mind? yes. perhaps a piece of my fist too. how do you do that? how does someone who's worked their ass off for years just walk into a place and get told their position has been eliminated. like it's just no big thing. pack your office that you've been in for years and go. don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out. seriously??? bub asked me to be kind on this blog of mine. kind. polite. professional. all bullshit words right now. i'd love for them to show a shred of kindness to him. and now we're screwed. let me starve, whatever. but our babies??? we've got two precious little souls to care for. to house, feed and cloth. oh yea, and a few bills to pay too... a mortgage. student loans - they don't much care if we've got an income or not. food is kinda nice too. my bub is an amazing man. he's committed to finding a new job, but you can't force it i guess. i hope something works out soon. he deserves it. and i hope he finds a place that appreciates him, because any company would be lucky to have him.
 
karma is a nasty little wench my friends... till then we'll keep our chins up and our resumes fresh. i know this ugly chapter of our life will be behind us soon.

three months?!?

seriously guys - its been three months since i blogged last. that's pitiful. i do have sort of a few good excuses though! i graduated from nursing school - woohoo!! i'm so incredibly proud of this accomplishment. i have never, ever worked my ass off so much. it was the hardest two years of my life. nuggie was 11 weeks old when i first started back to classes. i've never been good at school. so to attempt a whole new degree with a little baby at home was a huge undertaking. but i did it! and i did it this whole last year being pregnant again. those last couple of months were so hard! i was HUGE and exhausted and still taking care of nuggie... anyhow - it's done and i did it!!!! i waddled to graduation and got that nursing pin and now you can call me amanda, graduate nurse! hoping to add that RN as soon as i pass my boards!!

so then, about two weeks later we welcomed our second sweet child - baby eli! i was so sure for weeks he'd come early and i had had so many false alarms, but wouldn't you know the little stinker ended up being late. LATE! in fact i had scheduled an induction. and at 3:30 that morning, just a few hours before we were to head to the hospital to get the labor going, i actually went in to labor on my own. this was such a relief, i felt so weird scheduling the induction. i wanted my body to do its thing on its own. i'm not super granola-y and i love my pain meds, but i also am not one to alter what nature does pretty fantastically on its own. so with nugg safe at home with her grampy, bub and i headed to the hospital. from here baby man had a few scary moments. his cord was wrapped twice around his neck and he was in distress and so there ended up being meconium that got into his lungs. after he was born he wasn't breathing well and i literally got to give him a tiny kiss on the head and he was whisked away to the NICU. and they kept him for 12 hours. i know in the grand scheme of things we are so so blessed. he really was fine, but those first 12 hours were torture. i don't know how mom's do it with critically ill babies. it was the worst feeling in the world to have your baby and then not to be able to hold him or rock him. we visited in the NICU and weren't allowed to hardly even touch him. he was laying there crying and i couldn't do a thing to comfort him but to put a palm on his tiny, very bruised back (he also had a tough time getting out and so he was bruised all over his head and back). well, i'm happy to say he's perfect now. he's so much different than nugg. he's a very chill little man. he's a cuddle bug who loves to be held. he hates to be swaddled or confined in any way though - so he hates the car seat (makes car rides super awesome). he's strong and holds his head up like a tiny champ. he loves the swing and to be patted on his cute little booty. he's a delightful addition to our family! nugg is amazing with him and wants to help with everything. i can't wait for him to be a little less of a lump and a more active part of our little family. i'm also kind of ready for the longer stretches of sleep to kick in. we've had a little trouble with feedings and so the little chunk is eating about every 2 hours round the clock... needless to say bub and i are pretty tired. the great thing about having your second though - you know that this season will pass and that before you know it you have a toddler running around the house. so even when we're up for the 4th or 5th time i'm trying to soak it all up. they're only this tiny for such a short time. and this baby factory is CLOSED, so he's it for us. well at least it for us biologically, we do hope to add to our family via adoption in the future (but that's a story for another day) all that to say, i'm really trying, even in the middle of exhaustion and not showering or peeing or eating or drinking a glass of water, to really enjoy it. it's funny - all this chaos and craziness really is such a huge blessing, such a deep love you could never imagine existed!

ok - so - there's that. school. baby. next thing - find a job. i need one, pronto. because we are more broke than i care to admit... anybody need to hire an almost RN???

i'm gonna try to keep up with this blog again. be warned - it will probably consist of me talking about kids and not much else. well, probably wine, lots of wine, because that's how you survive the craziness that is two kids. and also i need to discuss with you my new love of mad men. which is like the best show ever. and i'm hoping to also discuss my renewed goal to lose the weight i've packed on the last couple of years. i'm signed up for my first 5K in a while and actually got my fat ass to the gym, both kids in tow thank-you-very-much, this morning...

alright, enough for now. if anyone still reads this thing thank you for sticking around!

spring break... adult style

spring break 2013 has been a wild one, let me tell you... oh wait, no, not it hasn't - not at all :-)

i've enjoyed it don't get me wrong, but seriously, i could use another week off!

first of all, we've had homework. a case study, kaplan quizzes to work on, tutoring sessions to attend and oh yea, a HUGE endocrine exam to prepare for on monday. i've been working on that all week and still feel immensely under prepared for it. i know i keep saying it, but this semester is kicking my ass. and we're not talking like a jillian michael's ass kicking on biggest loser, we're talking like ending up on the wrong side of the law and being dealt with mobster style and getting your ass pounded with lead pipes and water-boarding and having some teeth knocked out and then watching your puppy get punted off a bridge just for the hell of it...  IF i survive this semester i know for a 100% fact i can overcome anything. the jury is still out though on whether or not i'll end up getting my pin on may 11 :-/

ok, so there's that fun stuff to encourage your day with...

THEN, there's the preparing for little man's arrival. i feel a little guilty. i know he's there, i know he'll be born soon, but i just haven't had much time to process it. i've always got my nose in a book or whatever. i decided i wanted to do some nesting this week to get ready for him. there's not been any time to prepare so far. so, i wanted to clean out stuff... the attic - to see if there was any gender-neutral stuff from nuggie we could use. i've cleaned out closets... which seriously makes me so happy! call me OCD, but whatever, there's not much better than a well-organized and tidy home. i painted little man's shelf that bub built for him. prepped the "baby" shelf in the kitchen again so we have all the bottles and burp clothes and bibs back out. car seat is in the car. double stroller has been purchased. drawers are starting to fill up with tiny diapers and tiny onesies. this weekend we're rearranging our bedroom to make plenty of space for his bassinet since he'll be rooming in with us longer than nuggie did. since they have to share a room i'm anticipating he'll sleep in our room for a while till he's at least *sort of* sleeping through the night. she's such a light sleeper, i know having a little roommate will complicate her night night routine.

this week has also been full of OB, endocrinologist and dentist appts. fun, fun, fun! you know you'd rather do all that than sit on the beach with a fruity drink in your hand. admit it.

in the middle of all this i've enjoyed some awesome quality time with my little nugget. she's amazing... i have to brag on her a little. i love that little lady more and more every single day. i've kept her home from daycare as much as i could (in between dr appts, tutoring sessions and errand running) and we've had some fun :-) we enjoyed the zoo one morning. which is even better this year than last b/c she's really starting to get excited about the animals. we've had lunch dates with dear friends and we've been able to snuggle and watch lots of cartoons :-) she's growing into such an amazing little lady. she's very compassionate right now and tender-hearted. she gets very concerned if she thinks someone is sad and will pat your shoulder and give you kisses to make you feel better. she's starting to sing alot and remembers songs from school. she hates being the center of attention though and will embarrass easily, so we're being sensitive to that, but also trying to show her it's ok to be silly and dance and sing. it's gorgeous today so as soon as she's up from nap we'll be heading out to play in the garden i think!

anyhow - that's a long summary of our little world right now. hope all is well for you my friends... happy spring!

el listo

it's been another month since i blogged. fourth semester of nursing school is to blame this time around. so here's a list for you...

- like i said, fourth (and hopefully final) semester began last month. each semester i think, this can NOT possibly get harder. and then it does. and i want to die. but not, b/c this is the hardest i've ever worked for anything and i'm proud of that. but we had our first exam last week. i seriously studied like 20 hours, minimum. i've NEVER studied that much for one test. and i failed. yep. failed. granted it was a 76, but in our program that won't cut it. and so now i'm failing the course. and i want to cry and be sad and it's stressing me out. i walked out of that test thinking i'd blown it away. and i didn't - at all. so on to exam two i guess. so much rides on me passing, i can't get another grade like that :-(

- add on to school that i'm still chugging along in this pregnancy. overall it's been amazing. baby boy is growing perfectly and i'm healthy... but i'm exhausted. all.the.time. i could take a nap any time, day or night. but i can't. b/c of school and being a mommy already. and it's all such an amazing blessing, but i really did not appreciate how good i had it the first time around being pregnant with nuggie. he's kicking like nuts and FINALLY has a name :-) just a few more months and he'll be here!


- nuggie is doing amazing. she's gone through a huge growth spurt and grew a couple of inches in like two weeks. she's talking up a storm and starting to play pretend. i caught her this morning playing house with a garden gnome. she was kissing him and patting his back and wiping his bottom b/c he was "poopy". she's going to make a great big sister. i worry so much about her and bringing this baby home though. she's our princess and the center of everything - how her little world is about to be turned upside down. i'm scared she'll hate me and not understand and think i don't love her if i have to devote more attention to little man.

- we got another goldfish. he's a sweet little guy who nuggie has named lolo. has anyone else encountered the nuts that work at petsmart though? i wanted to buy a $3 goldfish and i think it was easier to bring nuggie home from the hospital. the woman, who i know only had the best intentions, put me through the ringer asking about how i would care for this goldfish. we've got a little tank for the fishie and she made me promise i was going to buy a bigger one. seriously. b/c didn't i know that a goldfish (a SINGLE goldfish) needs a ten gallon tank? and then didn't i know that i had to vaccum the tank out to clean it? and you never put fish food just on top of the water, i could kill the fish that way. and when i asked to also purchase a snail for our little tank, she refused to sell me one. a snail. she said that my tank couldn't support a snail. seriuosly? i didn't argue with her - i'm sure she knows what she's talking about. but i essentially wanted to buy a bug. and she wouldn't let me. hmph! lolo is doing great by the way. nuggie and i check on him all the time and she loves to watch him swim around.

guess that's about it. happy friday friends!

a bitty baby BOY!

happy 2013 friends :-) i hope the new year finds you happy and healthy! i also hope you all had a much more exciting new year's eve than i did. mine consisted of organizing toddler toys and falling asleep on the couch at 9:30. being pregnant this time of year is super exciting ;-)

we had a great Christmas break. i ended up having my ultrasound a little early after having a teeny little bit of concern that maybe something was going wrong. turns out everyone is just fine and our little bun is in fact a little baby boy! bub and i couldn't be more thrilled. we'll have our little lady and now a bouncing baby boy to add to the mix. now to figure out what to do with the kid's room. nuggie's room was carefully decorated. and well, it's all very girly. lavender and white and sweet little birdies. since a new, bigger home isn't in the cards for us anytime soon the kiddos will have to share for a while. i'm not sure we really want to paint though - since hopefully we'll be selling sometime in the not too distant future i don't really want to go painting the room like half blue now only to have to paint it something more neutral when we put the house up on the market. how do i make up little man's corner of the room to look a little manly, but not do anything too drastic or permanent? and what colors will go with lavender? i guess it really doesn't matter at this point. as long as he's dry, full and cared for he probably won't much care what color his room is. but i think bub cares a little. it is his son after all. i know he'd like to man up the room a bit... any advice?

school started back up this morning. i am scared to death. like really, REALLY scared. there is so much riding on this semester. i've wracked up literally a small fortune of student loans (can't forget all those TNU loans i took out the first time around) - so those will need paying off in the very near future. we've been scraping by one income for over two years now. we're broke and i need to work. as an RN. STAT! so failing this semester isn't an option. but that's a lot of pressure. i'm just going to try to be successful every day. not getting behind, but not freaking out about what's ahead. i'll get through it all one day at a time.

did anyone watch downton abbey last night??? i LOVED that shirley maclaine was the mother-in-law! she was perfection!

anyhow, i don't have anything much else to report. guess that's a good thing :-)

Scary Santa

jeeze-la-weeze... how did i let over a month fly by without a blog?? life has been N.U.T.S.

school has seriously flown by this semester. next week are finals and then i'll be done! only one last semester stands between me and that R.N. (well, not counting the all scary NCLEX exam, but i can't worry about that right now. i'll have a two week old at home when i have to take that. say what?!?). i can't believe the end is in sight!

the baby bump is growing. hard to believe i'm a little over 16 weeks already. we find out the end of the month if it's a little he or a she. everyone keeps asking me what i think it is... honestly either way is amazing. i'd LOVE to have a little boy. a little mini-version of bub :-) a little man to be all rough and tumble with. on the other hand though giving nuggie a sister would be a wonderful thing. girls i get and girls are fun with all the pink and bows and dollies :-) i don't really have any idea what it is, no feelings either way. so it'll be a big wonderful surprise on the 27th!

nuggie is doing amazing. she is growing like a sweet little weed. she's talking up a storm and we're working on potty training. the little stinker is awesome at it, but ONLY if she's a little nudey running around with a bare booty. you put her in a pull-up or big girl panties and whoops, pee-pee puddles. she cracked us up last week though. bub and i were sitting around one evening and she was playing. all of a sudden she popped up like a little bolt and said, "be back, i poop!" and she ran to the bathroom, turned on the light and did her business. she cracks us up every single day.

the poor little thing has a huge fear though... SANTA. there was a little breakfast with santa at her preschool on saturday and she would NOT go near him. i scooped her up and tried to just stand next to the jolly old elf and she literally screamed HELP, HELP, and clawed out of my arms to get away. the photographer even joked that we had "that kid" and laughed and took pictures of the whole scene. well, monday her little preschool put a small, mechanical santa and mrs. clause in their classroom. apparently she spent the whole day eyeballing them and wouldn't go near them. tuesday morning we just turned into the parking lot and she lost it. in the car, screaming, yelling, NO NO NO. i had to take her in though, i had an exam at school :-/ it was awful. her teacher had to pry her out of my arms. but no one had put two and two together. we just figured she was tired or maybe getting sick. i called in about an hour later to check on her and was told they removed those pesky robots from the classroom and she was as calm as can be. silly girl. why, oh why is she so scared of santa??

a sweet friend and i are getting all DIY on the holidays this year. last week we made lavender bath salts to give as gifts. tomorrow we're trying our hand at canning apple butter. now, i grew up the daughter of a true canning queen, but i haven't ever tried it on my own. hope we don't blow anything up!!

hope everyone is enjoying the holidays so far. it's such a joy to have a little one during this time of year. nuggie makes it all so much more fun. last night the three of us snuggled up on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and watched rudolph. she was of course scared of the abominable snow man, but we snuggled her close and got through it together :-)

happy wednesday loves!